Grieving the loss of my identity

Grief can be defined and experienced in many ways. To me, grief is something you feel very deeply when letting go of something or someone you loved. It could also mean losing something or someone you love that was or wasn't by choice. And usually that something or someone loved you back just as much, if not more.

The grief I want to talk about today is the grief of letting go of an identity that is no longer serving you. I had to do this. I needed to do this. It wasn't easy, it took a long time, and it was emotionally exhausting. But, I knew I needed to let go in order to experience freedom and reach a new level of happiness.

Let's rewind and talk about my identity before letting go. My identity to most people could be described as a girl who is loving, caring, works hard, and loves to workout, etc. What people didn't see was my unhealthy obsession to be thin and healthy. Everything in my life started to revolve around being thin and having abs. That's all I thought about. I would wake up in the morning and check my abs to make sure they still looked the same or better than yesterday. I would workout 2,3,4 times a day to try and maintain my body or to try and lose weight. I would check my abs before bed, if I thought I couldn't see them as well as the body check before, I would plan to restrict my food the next day and workout even harder. Pretty soon I was body checking at least 10 times a day. This took a toll on my mood and happiness because I was always critiquing my body.

I wanted to have a body that was unique. I wanted to be the girl with abs. People complimented me on my abs. I associated my abs with the compliments I received and with health. I thought if people saw how fit I was, they would know I was the girl who was healthy, who worked hard, and had goals.

Pretty soon I felt I was only known as a trainer who worked out multiple times a day, ate super healthy, was disciplined, and was "good" to her body. The only conversations people had with me were about the gym, health, what workouts I do, what foods I eat, how often I workout, what foods are healthy and what ones aren't, what foods should they eat and what ones should they avoid. It became my life. It was my job, my free time, my conversations, and workouts. I became suffocated. I thought that's what some people loved most about me. I thought that I needed to maintain this version of me. It had been apart of me for so long. It was the version of me I knew the most.

I got to a point where I couldn't go on. The point where the fear of gaining weight was less than the fear of having these obsessive thoughts over food and exercise for the rest of my life. I needed help and I knew it. I no longer wanted my eating disorder and obsession over working out like I once wanted it. I finally wanted it gone.

I got help. I got help from my family, my boyfriend Michael, my own research, and help from a professional. I couldn't have done this on my own. I needed a support system and someone to give me permission to let go of this version of me. I was scared I wasn't going to know who I was without my fitness and health obsession. I thought people would look at me differently and assume I gave up on my goals. But, this wasn't the case. The people who truly loved me from the beginning, still loved me just the same, if not more.

Once I started to let go of these pieces of me that I adopted from diet culture, I felt relief. That in itself was enough to confirm I was doing the right thing for ME and to keep going. My thoughts became present and free! It was the best feeling I had experienced in a long time. Food no longer has so much meaning, it's just food. Exercise is now something I do for enjoyment, not punishment or to lose weight. My body is awesome. It does so much that I am very grateful for.

I hope that sharing my stories can help people free themselves from diet culture and get the help that they need!